I am going to be brutally honest.
Sorry for the length of this, it's kind of a bunch of posts crammed together...
I was just at YC in Edmonton this weekend, and I had a mad experience. For the first time, I could lift up my hands, close my eyes and jump around without being worried that anyone would think I was crazy. I really just didn't care.
But I came home.
I was supposed to have coffee with someone who I really admired and wanted to open up to; I was an hour late and showed up a little unstately. I won't go into detail but if you just thought of the worst thing possible you could do on let's say, a 'first date', that's what I did. I was very upfront and told him if he wanted to leave that that was very understandable, but he still urged to hang out with me. I can't remember a lot of what we talked about, but he was kind enough to put up with me and buy me a drink. At my weakest, lowest point, he was compassionate. He even told me he understood what was going on for me, which was a relief in a way.
It was neat to see who my friends were, the ones that cared for me and didn't judge me. But the part where I found out who didn't give a shit or just became angry with me because of what I did wasn't exactly a thrill.
Of course I regret it. Just like i regret a lot of my choices. But somehow we all learn through experiences, and I am a 98% experiencial learner and 2% visual learner. It also helps that I hardly listen to what people tell me to do.
I guess my main weakness is wanting to differ from everyone else. Stepping out of my comfort zone and experiencing new things. Good or bad. Whatever makes me different...and I suppose 'unique'.
To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.
ecclesiastes 3:1-8
I'm pretty sure I got some inspiration around the guitar. Besides the fact that I made some friends who are bugging me to play more. I got critiqued on a new song I've been working on...I've changed it so much now it's hardly the same. But at least it's better and I know how to bend my songs more to compliment my voice and playing style.
I got prayed/phrophesied over at YA and 3 things stuck way out for me. The first thing were 2 words; Deep Healing. They talked about how the huge scar in my heart will be mended and forgotten, unlike the scar on my knee which is still very there. I also got prayed over that as a symbol of God's faithfulness, the scar on my knee will vanish when God has repaired my heart. The second thing was that I have an abnormally large heart. I feel things deeply. The third was that I have a rare gift of communicating with God. It's like there's a telephone I can call Him with anytime, and Vise versa. That was really neat...and I cried like a baby.
I went to a worship/talk night called 'Consumed' at my school the other day, and again I worshipped from my heart and without hesitation. My motivation was thanking God for his undieing forgiveness and grace.
I've had a hard time lately with staying positive and avoiding thinking about all the crap in my life and our cruel world. If I can't depend on pills to keep me stable...God is the final answer.
God has always been and always will be the final answer. He will never turn you down, He will never dissapoint you, He will never forget about you.
He will never forget about me.
[P.s. those are my lips up there. I won't be putting any other photos or drawings up anymore other than my own.]
Update: My rugby team won 41-nothing last night! Though I only got to play a quarter, it was very satisfying.
We must identify ourselves in Christ rather than in the things we do or what we love. We are his product, and He is our creator. He knows us inside out, and it takes us years to come to a scattered conclusion about who we are and why we are alive. That thought is so inspiring and safe...to know we can always find an answer in God, whenever it does happen.
It's comforting to know that I can be myself around people. Even if I tend to be more quiet and introverted with people I don't know, at least I know my potential.
I want to contribute to making something big happen in our world. I have no idea whatsoever how I'm going to go about accomplishing that, but I know that when I want something bad enough (like most people), I get it freaking done! And I rarely have a frame of mind like that.
I think having my older sister and best friend gone for a long time (although it sucks and I would love to have her back!) has really opened my eyes to see that I need to depend on God, and myself, rather than other people a lot of the time. I haven't had a chance to run to her crying for encouragement or mercy, and I think it's been strengthening.
One thing I need to get off my chest is butterflies. The hopelessness of liking someone (even though I see them as wonderful) because you know that most things of this matter end in pain or doubt. A man in my life would complicate things so much, maybe even slow down the process of figuring out who I am and being comfortable with what I am and what I believe in. Yet the rememberance of looking him in the eyes can get me every time no matter how fast I sweep the thought away.
You could say I'm enjoying life right now...and trust me, that is rare and special! God is becoming real to me again. Friends are becoming more and more appreciated, and I love and thank God for the family that I have. I like myself. I like what I am about, what I value, what I wear, I don't scorn my thoughts or my puzzle of a mind, I treasure the life and opportunities that I do have.
A time to search, and a time to quit searching. A time to keep, and a time to throw away. Ecclesiastes 3:6
A heads up; my mind is scattered.
A lot has happened in the past few months, let alone from the last blog i posted.
Metromint waters are ridiculously unpleasant. That was one thing i have learned this week.
More Things Caitlin has Learned Recently:
2. never say you will do something. say you will most likely be doing it. chances are God has something in mind for you that doesn't coincide with your plans.
3. you sometimes need to make a good decision based on gut feelings. Don't overthink something.
4. i still love deathmetal.
5. wood earings can handle anything.
6. if you stick with something (like rugby!) for over about 9 days, you will be glad you did it. even if it hurts. and damn does it hurt!
7. i have a good chunk of my life planned out. i know that all those plans will most likely fade with time, and i accept that. but it's good to have options. hah, and i thought i would never want to go to secondary school!
8. sometimes sleeping is the answer.
9. pretty people don't make friends, they make bitches, whipped friends and people who strive on scandal. why want to be like someone you loathe?
10. i don't believe in coincidence and i don't believe in chance. i believe that everything that happens in life has a specific purpose- for somebody.
11. i am stoked for owning my own house! i bought book ends the other day. book ends?!
Life has been pretty hectic lately. I quit my job(yes!) and started rugby. So far i haven't gotten hurt, minus an epic bruise on my leg. We owned our first exhibition game with 41-7! I think a big negative factor in my spiritual life right now is simply time. I need to work on reconnecting with God. Recently I was tested for diabetes which was quite a scare, but hallelujah that turned out negative. I have been thinking about going to ACAD for a year or two before heading out to Emily Carr in Vancouver. And Greece has been on my mind! I am definitely planning to work at Gull Lake Baptist Camp the summer after graduation. Lord willing with a position that would suite me. And for now...in the spare time that I do have, I pull out my paints or go for a walk with a camera that I am borrowing from a friend. The guitar has grown dusty, but I'm still only waiting for that inspiration that seems like it will never come.
My mind is a scattered puzzle which someday I hope will become understandable to me. Above all I miss my sister Kellen, who is currently residing in Africa. I feel like I'm growing- only feel like. I notice sometimes that i lack the enjoyment of things i used to, and I'm thinking a lot more logically than emotionally based. You can usually tell my state of mind by the state of my room. At the moment it looks like a tornado hit it.
To better days,
black-haired-girl.
...smelling of a bargain steal and cheap fabrication.
I hate being unoriginal and dull. But that's so hard to avoid when I just feel like writing so much and have nothing I particularly want to write about. God willing, this post will be one of inspiration.
Maybe one point I can consider worth sharing is that I realized today that my God is a gracious one.
Months ago, I was best friends with a guy I secretly had hopes of being more than friends with. Downer-he was completely set on having a romantic relationship with my friend. The whole situation was terribly complicated. I recall him even telling me once in a frustrated huff of a conversation “Please don’t ever do to me what I’m doing to her!” (This was liking her when she didn’t like him back). Current situation; Turned out his feelings eventually turned on me (which was, to be honest, pretty convenient). He and I are dating and are hopelessly head over heels for eachother...And I thought it could never happen.
When this school year started, I was so pumped to gain more (and better) friends in a different school than last year, and to work towards skyrocketing grades. Unfortunately, reality struck and I found out a lot of people in my new school weren’t as friendly as I’d hoped. Eating my lunch alone outside (where no one could see me) became routine and my marks wavered up and down as the days grew depressing and somewhat meaningless. I had ventured into a land of isolation which I thought was going to be one of jovial fervour. Current situation; I have an absolutely fantastic best friend in grade 10 who I eat lunch, shop, dance and work out with all because she was brave enough to ask to eat lunch with me one day. She was just as equally lonesome, and I-being ignorant and self-centred- had no idea beforehand. We can act like complete fools around eachother and still have a good time. My marks are at least better than last year’s.
I had a good close friend a while back. He and I talked so much every day it could blow your head off. When a misunderstanding occurred over texting (I don’t recommend having conversations over text. Whoops!), we didn’t talk for months afterwards. We were both so angry and headstrong and completely set on being right. A bit ago, no warning whatsoever, he confronted me. We both ended up apologizing and forgetting the whole thing. Current situation; we are each other’s confidants.
God is gracious. Plain and simple and so freaking true. Points of life where I thought things were hopeless- he easily flipped around.
I don’t have many friends…but each one is a true blessing from God.
God does not ignore those who depend on Him. -Proverbs 6.28-30
I have ten minutes to say everything about me, and my life right now.
Great.
Well I guess a good place to start, would be when I was born. It was almost seventeen years ago, and I already had 3 bigger sisters’ eyes staring at me along with my amazing parents.
I love my family…they are the only part of my life where I can feel safe. I’m still waiting for the day when I find a man just as worthy.
I was always the outgoing kid who wore bright colours (actually didn’t even care what she wore), was always playing games with boys, and was asked to hang out every Sunday after church. My life used to actually seem like a life. Around 7 years ago, I started really thinking about what it meant to be a Christian. I started to think of God as my best friend. I got baptised, and was so happy. Right when I hit my high point, I started getting spiritually attacked. I was always angry, secretive with my family, and kept on getting bad thoughts that weren’t from me, and weren’t from God. At different points throughout a span of about 2 years, I was suicidal, a purging anorexic, a smoker, and everything that comes with. I don’t even remember who I was and why I made the decisions I did. Satan had gotten a firm grip on my life. My family started recognizing that, and helped me become aware of the spiritual realm of life. I was prayed over a lot, and that instantly started helping me tear down the black cloud around me. Since then, my life has been a rollercoaster. I have learned so much…through relationships, broken and mended, hard experiences, and sudden changes, like switching schools and having little friends. Summed up, I have learned that God is the best friend I’ll ever have. I still struggle with trust and hope, but in a way, I’ll always be learning. So I went from an outstanding kid, to a messed up teenager, to what I am now…what that is, I have no clue, and I’ll probably never find out who I really am.
My goal in life right now is simply this…to keep living with all my potential and all that I have.
Life is a series of experiences, each of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. -Henry Ford
